Even If, Even When
“Father, I trust You. I am trusting You even if and even when. Even if my world spirals out of control, I trust that You are still in control. Even when we say goodbye to our two-year-old, I trust that you are not far away nor are you without compassion. I trust you to magnify your glory through this lifeless girl and I trust you to redeem this story for the good of the Kingdom.”
I never thought I would lay next to my beloved, lifeless two-year-old and whisper those words. In the year or so since we said goodbye to our sweet Samantha Grace, I can firmly attest that He has heard my plea and He is not yet finished. I have seen Him walk hand in hand with our family as we navigate the treacherous road of grief and I have seen Him move mightily to reach the lost. I have watched Him use His body of believers to breathe truth in to our darkness. I’ve seen the extension of His hands and feet as so many people have loved us, served us, cried with us, prayed for us, and walked arm in arm with us through the valley(s). But more than all of that, I’ve seen Him turn my bitter, selfish heart towards Him and watched Him protect us with the horn of salvation. Out of miry bog, He has pulled us out, dusted us off, and set our feet on the rock.
So, now what?
In wrestling with the concept of starting a blog (I mean... how Millennial of me!), I laid out all of my concerns and grievances. I questioned my "authority” in starting a blog, seeing that I am not in any prominent position. I questioned what “authority” I had to start up a blog, given that I’m just a normal, non-polished speaker. I questioned how I would practically get the words out, considering how painfully awkward I am in person. I wrestled with the idea that people wouldn’t believe my story, considering the supernatural details of His story. I questioned whether I should just move on to something else, or maybe starting a metaphoric “something” in a few years or so. As I prayed, wrestled, made lists (don’t judge me!) over the months, I was at a standstill. As I prayed one afternoon, Exodus 3 “randomly” came to mind. As I read through Exodus 3, I audibly laughed. Apparently, Moses asked the same questions. Okay Lord, I hear you. Who am I? He hasn’t been worried about that question before. It’s not about who I am, but about who He is. Awkward with speech? Yeah, Moses, too. Insane, unbelievable story? I mean, have you READ Exodus? And then there’s the section in Exodus 4:13 in which Moses asks God to send someone else. To put it simply, it didn’t go over too well. So, there we have it. Yes, Lord. I’ll tell your story. I’ll tell of what you’ve done.
But how?
In Old Testament scripture, the Lord repeats certain concepts and ideas so that they easily translate through time. One of common takeaways in the book of Joshua is the importance of remembering what the Lord has done. The Israelites frequently made altars after God performed miracles and made permanent geographical landmarks to honor how God has delivered them from despair. The question on my heart began to bubble to the surface: how am I honoring God and all He has done? In this digital age, this blog is the closest I can get to creating a memorialization of all He has done and sharing of His deliverance. The lilac bush I planted in my backyard isn’t looking too permanent, so this is what I have (ha!).
