Dear Alexandra

Photo by LE Photo Design

Dear Alexandra of January 7th, 2018,

Oh, girl. Right now, you’re terrified and confused. You are hearing the medical jargon, seeing your two year old in a medically-induced coma, and feeling the weight of the unknown. You don’t know what’s about to happen and honestly… that’s okay.

You’ve been told by the doctors that something is deeply wrong with Sammi, but your impression is that there’s still time and that there’s still hope for a normal life. You have allowed your mind to wander into the realm of infant salvation, and the gray area is wrecking you.

Speaking from the perspective of yourself one year from today, amazing things are about to happen. God IS going to answer your prayers, just not in the way you thought. He is going to mobilize an army of people to surround you and walk with you. He is going to show up in miraculous, unexplainable ways to show your stubborn, critical self that HE IS WITH YOU and NONE of this is outside of His knowledge or control. He is going to draw you close. He will teach you how to simultaneously pray with tears streaming down your face, yet worship at the same time. You will learn to trust Him as you walk on water with your eyes closed and the storm roars all around. You will know His voice and know that nothing can separate you from His safety as you walk step by step.

As you enter this evening, take courage. You see, as you are crying out to the Lord this afternoon and stretching your theology as far as it will go, He hears you. He will soon answer all of your cries in a miraculous way and satisfy the angst of your soul. While we won’t know everything on this side of heaven, we’ll know enough. Take courage.

As you prepare for the days to come, you need to armor up. Flip over to Ephesians 6:10 and suit up, sister. The battle is coming and you need to get ready. The other team is rallying to silence what God is doing and you need to suit up. Put on your belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness and shoes of peace. Defend yourself in the battle with the shield of faith and helmet of salvation. Wield the sword of the spirit and be brave in sharing the victory! Go. Tell them all.

As you read this, you’re probably questioning how life could ever “be okay” after this day. How could life ever be normal again? In some ways, life won’t be normal again. A piece of you will always be missing, but not lost. Some things will always make you cry, certain phrases will always sting, and some days will be unexplainably hard. In other ways, life will be normal again. You’ll wake up to an alarm, make your tea and dive in to the Word before the other kids wake up, like you always do. You’ll grump at them when they make messes and feel bad about it later. You’ll learn how to make life normal-ish.

As you DO this, know that myself and all future versions of us stand behind you and we are cheering you on. Hopefully, this is the hardest thing we’ll have to encounter.

Normally, I’d say something like “you got this”, but we both know you don’t. Thankfully, He does. He’s got this. Just imagine me reaching through the time stream and giving you a big hug. We’d probably laugh about the hilarity of it all and then end up crying about it. It’s fine, just go with it.

Love you, love you, love you,

Alexandra of January 7, 2019

P.S. Would you go over there and hug that little girl? I know it’s weird and scary and awkward with all the machines and tubes and wires… but do it anyway. Breathe her in and smoosh your face up against hers. Just do it.

Is there a letter you need to write to a former version of yourself? Oftentimes, we are quite a bit slower to forgive, rejoice, or move on from our former selves than Jesus himself.