Tiny Brothers and Sisters in Christ
“What is wrong with my kids? Is it me? Am I unknowingly feeding them something that is causing them to act like this?”
I sat exasperated at the kitchen table and moped out loud while my in-laws patiently listened. The kids were having a rough week and my patience was wearing thin after dealing with a string of outbursts. As I rattled off different scenarios and possible root causes of recent misbehavior, my mother-in-law wisely noted that none of my kids’ actions were personal. Huh?
She shared that we all inherently rebel against authority and that I happened to be the placeholder of authority for my kids. She recounted that this behavior tracks all the way back to the Garden of Eden; Adam and Eve chose the fruit from the one tree they were instructed not to touch. As her words sank in, I realized that she was completely right. By taking my children’s behavior personally, my response was greatly influenced by personal hurt rather than concern about their godliness. Taking a step back from the emotion of the moment, I began to examine how I viewed my children.
Our Tiny Brothers and Sisters in Christ
While Sammi will always be my daughter, it blows my mind when I consider that she is more my sister in Christ. When we meet face to face in our heavenly states, we will embrace more so as peers than as mother and daughter. As I ponder that idea, I can’t help but feel a deep conviction that I don’t view my living children in the same way. I often slip into the rhythm of addressing my living children as subordinates rather than viewing them as my tiny brothers and sisters in Christ. So, how do we practically treat our children as tiny brothers and sisters in Christ?
Looking to Jesus
As we look to Jesus as our model of leadership, we don’t see Him react from a place of personal hurt. Scripture describes numerous occasions in which Jesus responds to violations of God’s Law. Jesus responds to flawed teaching from the Pharisees and Jewish leaders by illuminating the truth (Luke 6:1-11, Luke 13:10-17, among others). Matthew 21:12-13 describes a scene in which Jesus encounters a marketplace atmosphere within the Temple. Jesus overturns the tables and drives out the sellers so that the focus can return to the Lord. As we walk alongside our tiny brothers and sisters in Christ, we should step in and correct flawed theology. We should step in and encourage their walk with the Lord. While the Lord has placed us in a position of authority as their parent to guide their journey, we are not to domineer over them (Ephesians 6:4, Colossians 3:21). But how do we determine when our leadership is appropriate?
God’s Law vs My Law: The Litmus Test
About a year ago, I heard a sermon which raised the question of how I respond to sin issues. Pastor Rudy Hartmann taught through Psalm 1 and contrasted the idea of our personal convictions with God’s ultimate law. He then challenged us to consider how we usually respond to offenses; are we typically frustrated about violations of God’s law or our personal law? Are we more likely to become frustrated when someone cuts us off in traffic or when someone breaks one of the Ten Commandments? I sat in the pew and conviction washed over me as I considered the sources of my anger. As a “Type A” perfectionist, my anger typically bubbles over as a result of violations to my law. My reaction and discipline, then, reflects the source of my anger. For example, when my kids take a long time to find their shoes so we can get to an appointment, my anger is rooted in violations of my law, not God’s law.
Over the next few weeks, I invited the conviction to reshape my responses to violations of my law. By reframing the way I evaluated offenses, the offenses inherently become less personal. One evening, one of my children had a complete meltdown in the presence of my friends. It felt personal. In hindsight, I had pushed the child beyond the window of bedtime and their outburst was rooted in exhaustion, not spite. In this scenario, which laws were broken? My laws were mostly broken and I was beyond embarrassed that my child acted out in that way. As I considered how to respond, I immediately noticed my sin nature bubble up to the surface. My pride wanted to shame the child. My dignity wanted to embarrass the child. My envy wanted my child to act like all of the other well-behaved children in the room. My vanity wanted my friends to think highly of my parenting. But my Jesus wanted to use this learning opportunity to disciple and instruct His child. My Jesus wanted to teach this child how to utilize self-control. My Jesus wanted me to compassionately teach this child how to honor and respect their parents, regardless of the audience.
Removing Stumbling Blocks
One of the roles of the parent is to look ahead for any potential stumbling blocks or areas of danger. Just like we wouldn’t allow a child to play with matches, we also need to look ahead to potential spiritual stumbling blocks for our children. Romans 14:13 addresses the issue of stumbling blocks for our brothers and sisters:
“Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother”.
The practical applications of this verse may come naturally to some parents. For example, some moms are really good at bringing snacks for their kids whenever they leave the house in case their kids get hungry. To be clear, I am not that parent. I constantly forget to bring sippy cups, snacks, and diapers. When I don’t actively look for potential stumbling blocks (hunger, thirst, sleep), I am then forced to discipline sinful reactions that could have been avoided. When I don’t plan ahead and actively look for potential stumbling blocks, I place my children in situations where they are unnecessarily tempted.
Questioning Recurring Behaviors and Stumbling Blocks
When approaching recurring tension points with our children, there are a few questions we can ask to help us discern any potential stumbling blocks:
1. Is this recurring behavior stemming from a lack of knowledge? Is this an opportunity to teach my child a skill?
One of my children is very messy whilst eating. Food flies everywhere during mealtime and clothes are completely destroyed by the end of the meal. Stepping outside of the emotions of the moment, I can quickly discern that the child does not have the ability or the knowledge needed to eat in a tidy manner. Grasping a spoon is difficult for them and they have not mastered the fine motor skills needed to properly move most food to their mouth. Rather than discipline them for making a mess, I could spend more time teaching them how to use silverware.
2. Is this behavior appropriate with their maturity level?
Bedtime and/or staying in bed has been an ongoing issue with one of my kids. While venting about this issue to a beloved friend, she wisely asked, “do you think this is normal for their age?” and left me speechless. Yes, it is normal for a child to wake up frequently. Children experience growth spurts and will sometimes need more (or less) sleep than other periods of their lives. While boundaries and family rules do have importance, the consideration of the child’s maturity level and capacity are also a consideration.
3. Are my expectations appropriate?
My kids love to dump toys all over the floor when they play. However, I love to walk on a floor that is not covered with toys. My frustration about toys all over the floor is usually not appropriate. The expectation that my young children would play with one toy at a time and then quickly tidy up any other messes is unrealistic. I cannot expect my two-year-old twins to completely clean up after themselves without significant help.
4. Am I placing my children in a position of success or failure?
We are all human beings with finite resources, well-defined limits, and we each have a breaking point. Our tiny brothers and sisters in Christ have a much lower threshold for their breaking point than adults. When children are tired, hungry, and worn out, they are much more likely to act out. For example, I can fully anticipate an epic, three-person meltdown if I take my kids to a grocery store in the middle of naptime without snacks. Like most kids I’ve met, my kids are much less patient, kind, tolerant, or respectful when their basic needs have not been met. As their parent, I am not placing them in a position of success when I place so many stumbling blocks in their path.
Encouragement to persevere
As we look at our children, who do we see? Can we see the big picture or are we zoomed in on the details? As we drop off our children at school, do we see the tiny missionary in the unicorn backpack? When we pray with our children at night, do we see the prayer warrior in training? I don’t know about you, but I get stuck in the minutia of day to day activities and often miss the big picture.
Perhaps your toddler threw their fourth tantrum by 8:30 AM. Perhaps your teenager spat in your face. Perhaps your child screamed “I hate you” and meant every word.
As we pray for our children, may we first pray for our hearts. May we pray that God would show us the filters that inhibit us from seeing our children as brothers and sisters in Christ. May we see our children as co-laborers for the Kingdom and approach them with dignity and honor. May we turn our eyes to the long-suffering Father who has persevered with us through all of our tantrums, disrespect, and dishonor.
Do you struggle with anger resulting more frequently from violations of your law or God’s law? Are there stumbling blocks in your child’s path that you could help to remove?
Photographic proof of that one time back in 2017 when I did not put my kids in a position of success.
