Loving Well: Practical Tips to Support Grieving Friends

Happy July, friends! We’re kicking off a “Loving Well” series in which we’ll explore the practical side of loving friends in need. I am beyond excited to introduce Pat Jacobs as our first guest.  I first heard Pat’s moving story about the untimely death of her adult son at a local Storytelling Workshop. Pat and I met for coffee soon after and discussed the ways others had loved us in our time of need. Pat has gleaned so much wisdom from her journey and I am thrilled to share the conversation I had with her!

Let’s rewind a bit. You’ve shared the story about the premature death of your son, Eric. In your story, you mentioned that your daughter-in-law was pregnant with their fifth child at the time of his death. What did the initial days and weeks look like for your family after that horrific event?

I lived with my daughter-in-law and grandchildren for the first month after Eric died. I helped with school transportation and with tasks around the house. My second eldest son moved in with them the second month and really helped out. My son was 29 at the time and had never been a dad before, but stepped into the role of full-time dad. My husband and I came over on the weekends, but my son was a full-time father figure. The kids were so young and needed that. The eldest child was seven at the time and the youngest was two.

There were a lot of people who would show up and help around the house. A local collegiate football team raked the yard and played outside with the kids. It was such a gift to watch them laugh! There were so many other “little things” that felt like big things to us. Someone detailed my daughter in law’s vehicles; that was unexpected. In the winter, people helped with snow removal. I really valued when people would bring things that wouldn’t spoil like toilet paper, paper plates, paper towels.

Since Eric died on November 13th, the first big holiday was Thanksgiving. No one wanted to make a big meal or plan anything, so a few people from my church prepared an entire Thanksgiving spread for us. They hosted us at the church and made all of the food for all of us. That was a lot of work for 25 people!

Even though you were in the trenches of grief, it sounds like your attention was focused on your daughter-in-law and grandchildren. How did your friends and family walk alongside you in the early days?

In the early days, I really cherished the emails and letters people sent. It was 2006, so texting wasn’t as popular. But, I saved the emails and letters people sent me. In the hard moments, I could reread through the words and find comfort. I stay up late at night, so those emails and letters were really helpful in the middle of the night when I had a tough time.  I loved all of the quotes and verses. Written communication is a great medium because it’s non-invasive and I didn’t feel pressured to express emotions as I might in person.

At the time, I was working at a bank and could shut my door and cry. My coworkers were very supportive and gave me the space to grieve. Three really good friends at work were incredibly supportive. They would ask questions like “how are you today?”, which was such a helpful question. “How are you” is a really hard question to answer. But, “how are you today” is more manageable. I could answer that question.

I sent an email to my church congregation with the details of Eric’s death. I wanted to share what happened so that I wouldn’t have to retell the details to everyone in person. In the email, I gave them permission to ask me how I’m doing. People would send me verses at the exact time that I needed it, and I credit that completely to the Holy Spirit. He knew when I would need truth. 

Grief is incredibly complicated. And many people express grief in different ways. How has your experience with grief impacted your relationship with your husband, Mark?

Mark and I started dating when I was 15 years old. I have been so blessed to have a relationship that has matured over the fifty years that we have been married. We’ve been very open throughout grieving and we can often say things with a look or hug. We have found that we can openly share memories if the time is right. We don’t always have long conversations, but those short little memories bring us joy. God has been in the center of our marriage and He has kept us united, even in grief. Our tears have brought us together rather than push us apart. We frequently pray together, do Bible studies together, and take courses together. 

As the months and years progressed, I can imagine that the way others loved you looked different. How did others continue to love you over time?

I had a friend at church who lost her daughter to cancer the year before. We were in Sunday School together and she would know how a certain verse would affect me. All it took was a look from her and I would know that she was with me. Another friend would frequently send me an email just to say she was thinking of me. She didn’t ask for anything, she just wanted to share that she was thinking of me. That was special. I really appreciated the friends who would share stories about Eric. Or, they’d allow me to share stories of him without judgment or awkwardness.

When we first met for coffee, we talked a lot about the phrases and platitudes our society uses to comfort those who are grieving. Could you share some of your experiences? 

It was really hurtful when people would say “let me know if you need anything”, but wouldn’t follow through. I would follow up if someone offered to help, and some wouldn’t respond at all. That was frustrating. Why say anything at all if you don’t mean it?  I really appreciated when people would offer to do the menial, undignified things. Lawns need to be mowed in the summer and sidewalks need to be shoveled in the winter. Most people won’t ask you to do the menial things, but find great value in someone offering to do it.

Conversely, some will avoid saying anything at all.  Some of my relatives didn’t know what to do or say, so they avoided us entirely for a few months. Whenever we talked, it was like nothing happened. We just skirted around the fact that my son died. That was hard because I expected more. We expect our friends and family to address the elephant in the room and press through hard topics for the sake of the relationship. 

You have been very vocal with your story and have invited the Lord to use you to reach others. Could you share how the Lord has used your experiences to reach others?

Since Eric died in 2006, Mark and I walked through the deaths of both of our parents and my brother. We’ve had a lot of deaths in our family. I feel like a midwife of grief! In 2009 (three years after Eric died), my best friend was reaching the end of her ten-year battle with Huntington’s disease. Her family called and asked me to stay with her in the hospital. I thought, “Wow. This is going to be hard,” but I knew the experiences God had led me through would provide a practical comfort for my best friend and her family. So, I obeyed.

Mark and I are at a point in our spiritual lives where God has equipped us to share His good news. We keep our eyes open to those who are alone and hurting. It has given us a new purpose in our relationship! We have shared Eric’s story with so many people, and it has opened so many doors for deep conversations about faith. I have received so much love and hope from the Lord; who am I to keep it all to myself? We made up some business cards with our information and our church’s information. Our church live streams their Sunday services, so it’s a way for people to hear the truth even if they are far away. 

I suspect that many who are reading this may be walking alongside someone who is grieving. Perhaps they are walking this road themselves. What wisdom or advice could you share as we comfort those in the trenches? 

Find your sense of humor in it all. I mentioned how I walked alongside my best friend in her last days, and she showed me that it’s okay to laugh. Towards the end, she asked everyone to come in and pray over her, so we did. As you can imagine, it was a heavy, tearful prayer. Afterward, it was really quiet and she said, “Well, now what do I do?” and we all laughed so hard. It’s okay to laugh! Not all the time, but it is okay to laugh.

Find a heavenly connection. For our family, the number 13 has been a heavenly connection. Eric’s earthly and heavenly birthday was on the 13th and most of my grandchildren were born on the 13th. So, whenever we see a ‘13’ on a street sign or whenever it’s the 13th day of the month, we remember him. 

Give permission to others to help you. It’s helpful to have people around you who will allow you to progress through the different stages of grief. Allow those who are closest to you to encourage you and help you. You don’t have to do this alone. 

Connect with someone who is further down the road of grief from you. Walking alongside someone who has experienced grief for a longer period of time is so helpful. They know what is painful and they know how to communicate what you may be feeling deep down.  

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I don’t know about you, but I am so encouraged to love well after hearing from Pat. I am so encouraged by her boldness to unashamedly share the love of God to the hurting. 

In the next post, we’ll chat with warrior-mama, Heidi Becker. Heidi founded Warrior Wagons, Inc after the death of her two-year-old son, Drew. Similar to Pat’s family, the Beckers experienced an outpouring of support during their year-long battle with cancer. Until next time!