Loving Well: Supporting Families Battling Cancer
Heidi Becker is a warrior. Her battle armor is weathered, but resilient. In 2016, the Becker family learned of their youngest warrior’s diagnosis of Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. At two years old, Drew endured a grueling year in and out of the hospital. Just before his third birthday, Drew met his Savior face to face. In Part One of my conversation with Heidi, we discuss how to love families battling cancer.
Your family has courageously fought numerous battles, with the first battle being the diagnosis of Stage 4 Neuroblastoma in 2016. What did your support system look like during a whirlwind year of hospital visits?
We learned early on that the most important tasks people could do for us were the little things that kept our family going. It reminds me of the Lord’s Prayer in which Jesus asks for daily bread; we had to depend on daily support to get us through the day. People knew they couldn’t physically heal Drew, yet were available to serve our family when we needed them. People would ask questions like “What do you need today?” and “how can I be helpful to you today?” All of those little things added up to “we just made it through radiation together.” As a caregiver, I learned that I couldn’t do it on my own, so I asked people for simple, specific things like pajamas that were left at home or Tylenol from the store when Drew was sick. People would drop things off and it just moves you to tears.
People signed up to bring meals and that relieved a lot of pressure. We soon realized that 9x13 pans weren’t as helpful as individual meals and individual portions. We’d grab individual servings from the freezer that we could bring to the hospital. We had a Facebook page where we shared what we needed and people seemed to genuinely appreciate serving us in the way we needed to be served. Some people weren’t in a place where they could make us meals, so they sent gift cards. Gift cards were helpful when we were on the go.
Some people were consistent with intentional prayer for our family, which made such a difference. We could feel it. People would share what they were praying for and it was so encouraging. It was a gift to us because we became a part of their maturity in Christ, which was cool.
Family and close friends came to our house during scheduled chemo weeks. We’d do chemo for five days in the hospital, come home for ten days and then go back for another five. Multiple people would either stay with Drew in the hospital or stay at the house to keep our rhythms going. Drew had all the attention, so Molly had to deal with the absence of everyone. I cried almost as much for Molly as I did for Drew. People wanted to be there for the action (Drew) but it was such a big deal for people to support her too.
As a caregiver, you carried a lot of weight that year. What did your support system look like that year?
Some of my close friends took me out to dinner to help me to feel normal. We wouldn’t always talk about hospital stuff, which was a wonderful break. They didn’t ask specific questions (unless I needed to vent), which was a gift to me. You don’t HAVE to know all the details to be a good friend. I wanted to hear what was going on with them and they actually shared so that I could feel in the loop.
I appreciated when people were real with me. One friend had a major life event happen and held back from telling me, but then I felt horrible that I couldn’t support her! I wanted to hear about what was going on with her because it helped to bring me out of my own head. I wanted to feel useful, to feel like I was contributing to a relationship instead of “taking” so much.
Wow. It sounds like you have an amazing community of people who walked alongside you. Were there actions/types of support that were less helpful to your family?
The phrase “let me know if I can help” is burdensome. I didn’t want to ask someone to mow my lawn; I would have preferred to say “yes” rather than ask. Similarly, I followed up with some people who had offered to help, but they didn’t get back to me. That made my life so much more difficult. I didn’t have time to chase people down when my life was crazy.
Receiving unsolicited advice is stressful. In the “cancer world”, there are so many different experiences and options. It can feel like a burden when someone advises you to try something that worked for someone else. We had a team of skilled doctors who had all of the relevant information and medical history, so we ultimately went with their advice.
Over-the-top sympathy can be discouraging. There were times when I was having a good day and someone would break down into tears about my situation. I then had to take care of the individual, even though I was having a good day. It was like running a marathon and having someone next to me saying, “The finish line looks really far away! You look super sweaty and tired! Are you tired?” It was discouraging and didn’t help.
When you are around someone in crisis, follow their lead. Sometimes, we all just need to vent. At times, we don’t necessarily need someone to cheer us up, but we need someone to validate that what we’re experiencing is hard. Just tread lightly. You can usually tell if someone wants to spill with you or not. For example, I didn’t like being put on the spot. Someone showing up at the hospital unannounced or showing up at my house was stressful at times. It was even hard for me when some would call with the intention of wanting deep conversation for an hour. Sometimes, I just couldn’t do it. Conversely, I received so many text messages and handwritten letters that I really cherished. I could sit and read them when I was ready and feel all the feelings in my own way.
I can imagine that you were inundated with questions about how your family was doing. What did communication with family/friends look like during that time?
Stopping by the grocery store was stressful, at first, because everyone (understandably) wanted an update. Caring Bridge became critical for us so that we could send out updates to everyone. By sharing updates on social media, I didn’t feel like I had to update every single person I saw and I was in control of the information shared.
We also had a go-to person outside of our family who handled all of the requests for help. She coordinated meals and requests for events like fundraisers. When I was in “hospital mode”, everything went through her. She was also great about getting the word out to everyone if one of us wasn’t in the mood for hugs or if we didn’t want to talk about something.
You’ve already given so many great ideas to love families battling cancer. What wisdom/advice do you have for families battling cancer?
Allow others to help you and then share practical ways people can help. I get it; it can be hard to accept help. Matthew 25:40 reminded me that when I was taking care of Drew, I was serving the Lord. So, why would I remove that opportunity from someone else? By serving me, someone else is serving Jesus. And, it brings people so much joy to feel like they can directly help someone who is hurting. By “doing it all yourself,” you are going to wear yourself out. Take it one day at a time. Let people help you.
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Wow! I am so grateful to Heidi for digging in and sharing her experiences with the “cancer world.” In the meantime, learn more about the Becker family over at Heidi’s blog, Drawing from Drew.
Next time, we’re digging deeper into the world of grief. Heidi has so much wisdom to share as we explore how we can love and serve grieving families. Have a great week!
